Deuteronomy, Passion 2013, and Issac

I generally use this space to document the day to day activities of my family, holidays, and funny conversations I have with my precocious 3 year old.  But every now and then something happens that I feel warrants detailed documentation, even if it means bearing a little bit more of my soul than usual.  And while a little lengthy, this is one of those times.  The end of August 2012 marked a year that Josh and I had been trying to get pregnant.  We didn't tell anyone because we didn't want the questions every month or anytime I said I was tired.  Just as we were about to bite the bullet and call the doctor, we found out on October 3rd that we were expecting.  (Actually, Josh found out.  I had taken a test, forgot about it, and then Josh found it when he got home.)  We were THRILLED.  October 8th I started to miscarry.  Josh came home from work and went with me to doctor, where he confirmed what I already knew.  He told us that I was totally healthy, there was nothing I could have done differently, and that it at least meant we could get pregnant.  There are no words to accurately describe how I felt... angry, hurt, betrayed, and just not whole.  I was blessed to be surrounded by a supporting family and supporting friends, some of whom had experienced miscarriages as well.  But at the end of the day, it was me and God wrestling thru the pain and the constant question of "why?'  One of the harder parts of the miscarriage was trying to explain it to Ansley.  We had told her we were going to have a baby but honestly thought she might just forget, we wouldn't have to tell her.  But one morning out of the blue we had the following conversation:

A: We're going to have a BABY!
M: No baby, we aren't.
A: It's in your tummy?  We have to wait for it to grow.
M: No baby, there's no baby in mommy's tummy anymore.
A: Why not?
M: Our baby is in heaven honey.  It's with Jesus.
A: But I want a baby!
M: So do I... you just need to ask Jesus for one.
A: How do I do that?
M: You just close your eyes and talk to him and tell him what you want.
A: Okay! Mom, close your eyes!

At this point I hear her whispering her prayer to Jesus and then after she says "amen" she looks up at me beaming, "He said YES!!" Needless to say, I cried.

A turning point for me really came when I started Beth Moore's study of Deuteronomy at our church.  I honestly put very little thought into taking the class, our church was offering several different bible studies on Sunday night and I just sort of picked this one at random.  The first week, while describing the study and it's purpose she said "If you've ever asked 'what's the point?' this study is for you."  Those words had not only come out of my mouth within the last 24 hours, they had BEEN coming out my mouth since I miscarried.  Then Beth gave the theme verse for the study, Deuteronomy 6:23.  "He brought us out from there in order to bring us in, to give us the land which He had sworn to our fathers."    He brought ME out... so that he could bring ME in... I was in the wilderness for a purpose, but just like the Israelites, it was not permanent.  I almost lost it right there in the middle of the bible study.  I had not been abandoned and it would not always be this way. Some days I wrote it on my hand just because I needed to see in front me.

Fast forward to January 1st- 4th, Josh and I are taking 50+ college students to Passion and Diva is staying with my parents. Wednesday, I called mom and asked how Ansley was doing she relayed the following conversation.

A: We need to pray for my baby brother Attic
N: Attic?
A: No, Attic.
N: You mean Issac?
A: Yes we need to pray for baby Issac.

A little while later....

A: Nana, God took our baby away.
N: I know honey, but you need to pray that God would give you another baby.
A: Poppa! Close your eyes!

She then proceeded to pray for me and baby Issac.  I cried.  (I've been doing a lot of that recently.)  The night before Louie had preached on Ezekiel and expecting "immeasurably more" from God... challenging us to pray that way and expect great things from Him.  Since the miscarriage, I had just been praying to feel whole again, and here my 3 year old was not only praying for a baby, but a baby boy by name.  And not just any name, Issac.  What makes this story even crazier is that I had been joking with Josh, that like Sarah in scripture, I was going to get pregnant in my old age (I have always said I wasn't pushing a kid out of my body after 30) and it would be a boy, and we would have to name him Issac.

Needless to say, given the faith of my daughter, I took a test the morning after we got home.  I walked in the living room and asked Josh if he was ready for "immeasurably more" and handed him the test.  I'm due around August 29th (which I would like to point out is 3 days after my 31st birthday) and I would not be surprised in the least if it is a boy.  And you better believe his name will be Issac.